Avoiding a Second Divorce

Here's a chilling fact for you: the divorce rates for second marriages are higher than those for first marriages. What, you need more pain? surely once was enough? We think that using a first divorce as a learning tool is advisable and here are some helpful tips.

The first tip is: be brutally honest about the questions that follow. Hint: if you are blaming your ex, you are not being brutally honest. It takes two to tango. You played a role in that divorce. What was your role?

What made you decide to marry the original time? Were you too young? Did you marry for wrong reasons? Did you think he was going to take care of your financial needs? Do you have co-dependent behavior and you rescued someone who was struggling? Did you get pregnant before marriage? Did your parents pressure you into a marriage? Look carefully at the brutally honest reasons you got married in the first place and see if there's something you did that can now be changed. You might need the help of a counselor to make those changes.

Did the communication between you and your ex fall from loving dialogue to harsh criticism or sarcasm? How did that happen? If the communication coming from your ex was hurtful, did you swallow that hurt without discussing it with him only to find it coming out of your own mouth? If your communicating isn't harmonious, this is a big clue that the marriage is going downhill fast. Don't retreat behind a wall of silence. The only way I know to fix this is to improve your sense of self: join Toastmasters and become a better speaker. Get into therapy and learn more about your strengths and weaknesses and how to talk about them.

My virtual assistant told me that in her early life, her extreme sensitivity to parental fighting put her into a state of speechless shock. It's not surprising to know that the very same thing carried forward into her first marriage. She couldn't believe that such evil words and angry gestures were coming at her. I think that individuals are intrinsically good, and they would not come close to using behavior that is abusive; so this is what makes them a bit vulnerable when it happens to them. If you go into shock, please find help via a pastor or a counselor to help you past this stuck spot so that you don't carry it into another unhappy marriage/divorce situation.

Do you carry a grudge or a long list of "he done me wrongs?" If you do this, it will be on your mind constantly and by thinking about it, you will recreate it over and over. You might not be aware that you are doing this. Examine your thinking about your ex and see if there's a grudge you're holding against him for his mistakes. If you do, look up "how to forgive" on the internet and then get busy doing that work.

Is it tough for you to think on your feet when your spouse is screaming at you? It is impossible to reason with unreasonableness, and anger is unreasonable. You can use a technique those in the know about good communication have labeled "Broken Record". Simply say "I'm happy to return to this in a while after you've had the chance to calm down a little." SHE CONTINUES TO RAGE.... Say again: "I'm happy to return to this in a while after you've had the chance to calm down a little." Every time the rage is expressed, repeat your claim like a broken record: "I'm happy to return to this in a while after you've had the chance to calm down a little." Make a date to discuss it. Ask your spouse to write down a few key points he wants you to understand and that you will do the same.

It is my strong hope that these tips will keep you from becoming a statistic for second marriage/ divorce rates and avoid the pain of a second divorce.