Perfect Marriages are about Forgiving and Forgetting

These irregular spaces representing marital conflicts / hostility are common in most marriages. They can be caused by the difficult times, faced by the couple. Without proper defence measures in place, this strain in relationship can be exacerbated by misreading the situation and clumsy handling.

Anger is the instantaneous defensive response to most marital conflicts. Most couples keep forgetting that their marriage came about, because they were agreeable to the person that they saw. They felt that the partner would be a kind, loving and faithful person. So whatever actions or words were done or spoken by the person, these qualities were sought for in those actions, to reinforce their presence.

The famous author Ayn Rand advised that one should never criticise the person, but should only criticise the wrong act. Therein resides a key to survive the pits and bumps of marriage. Learn to segregate the wrong act from the person. No personal attacks, please. It will suffice to keep in mind that any person is always invested with good qualities. Compelling circumstances are the cause for slight distortions in expression / action.

The oft-repeated proverb ‘To err is human, to forgive is divine’ should be the primary response to any conflict in marriage. It is good for the longevity of your marriage and for your physical health. Recent path-breaking scientific studies, using Kirlian photography, have evidenced that negative thoughts / emotions, alarmingly agitate the water molecules in the tissues of the human body which generated the negative patterns, as well as in the body of the intended recipient, thereby causing physical and emotional breakdowns! Negativity is an uncontrollable boomerang.

Forgiveness begets a change of heart for the better, in the perpetrator of the distressing actions or words. Hang on in there and do not retaliate. Where possible, administer gentle doses of corrective action and assuring words to steer your spouse onto the correct track. Time and gentleness are the healers.

Remember that your spouse is very much an individual as you are, and is entitled to his or her own rights to speech and action. There is also a very private individual space treasured by all of us, deep within our hearts, which we consider inviolate and do not share with anybody. We know it as ‘our feelings’. As far as possible, do not injure the other person’s feelings, as a tit for tat response. Forgive.

Build a database of all the actions, speech and feelings of your spouse that have appealed to your senses. Most couples looking for a divorce usually have stacked up on the unpleasant. Around us, in all walks of life, we see the increasing trend to replay the 2% wrong that was inadvertently committed rather than remembering the 98% positive actions / thoughts / words that were painstakingly and faithfully implemented.

Consciously forget the 2% wrong. Do not carry it over. The older and wiser of two monks, on a long journey, carried a beautiful young girl across a swiftly flowing river and set her down on the other side, much to the shock of the younger monk. ‘How could the older monk stoop to such a violation of their Order?’ was the question uppermost in the younger monk’s mind. Further along the journey, he mustered courage to ask the older monk. Pat was the instant reply ‘I set that load down long ago, but you are still carrying it!’

Many of us forget that any errant action or speech (except those that cause physical damage to another living being), can be set right, if we forget our egos and are willing to forgive the offensive action / word.

Even if the imagined or real slights may not be capable of being forgotten or forgiven, do not allow them to fester or gain precedence in your interaction with your spouse. Push the negative feelings to the background and before you realise it, you would have forgotten about it. Keep all the channels of communication open, for the healing process to flow.

To forgive and to forget may be a bitter medicine to swallow, but it is exactly what the doctor has prescribed, for a healthy marriage. It may not cure the other person, but it will definitely save you.